First Lady

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so to speak! Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and hurried home. Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?.

Sad

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG

Wrong side

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" "Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

Bitch

A guy walks into a Bank of America and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language at Bank Of America!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 100 million in the MegaMillions lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

This is why they are rich....

A man walks into a New York City Bank Of America and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000. Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?" The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

Bank of America

Brian Moynihan was out jogging without his guards. All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun. The masked man said “Give me all your money!” Unwilling to do so, Moynihan said, “You can’t do this, I’m the CEO of Bank of America!” The man then replied,... “Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!”

good one hahaha

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose:
As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

I wonder

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: "Thanks for coming."

hazard

Guy: Wanna suck my dick?
Girl: No.
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!
Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?

busy

How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Blondes

Two blondes fell down a hole.  One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see

Question

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
 

Bet

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

Sample

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Diference

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the fucking difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

Wether

Funny Weather Jokes: Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A: A cloud! Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims! Q: Why is sex like a thunderstorm? A: "You never know how many inches you'll get and how long it'll last." Q: How is a man like the weather? A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them. Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow? A: The Leprachan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold! Q: Did you hear the joke about an Earthquake and Japanese nuclear reactor? A: Not cool. Q: What's worse than an earthquake ravaging a city? A: The ensuing Tsunami washing everything away! What did the ocean say to the other ocean?... Nothing they just waved... Did you Sea what I did there?...I'm shore you did, beach.  

other atheist

A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!

fly

Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: Praying. Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back. Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.

Atheist

Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window? A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird. Q: What is so ironic about Atheists? A: They’re always talking about God. Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist? A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages. Q: How does an Athesist girl have her hair done? A: In big bangs! Q: Why does an atheist wear red suspenders? A: To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture. Q: What do you call an intelligent American? A: Atheist. Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road? A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis. Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it. Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers. Q: How do you make an atheist appreciate life? A: Break his legs. Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, "Can you believe the way this guy tastes?" Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None! They've invented torches! If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

Genie

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

Mex Maid

   


Aimara, a Mexican maid announced to her Boss Mr Blanco and his wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way." The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who it was. The maid replied, "Your husband and your son." Mrs Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation. "Well," Aimara explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit

The Mexican

here were 3 guys. A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican wanting to get a job at a stadium for the superbowl. Before the game started they asked the guys to make a sentence using the words detail, defence, and defeat. The black guy said you need detail in your defence to defeat the other team. The white guy said something very similar. The Mexican guy said decat jumped over defence defeat first and den detail.  

Detail

 





There were 3 guys. A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican wanting to get a job at a stadium for the superbowl. Before the game started they asked the guys to make a sentence using the words detail, defence, and defeat. The black guy said you need detail in your defence to defeat the other team. The white guy said something very similar. The Mexican guy said decat jumped over defence defeat first and den detail.  

Blonde Q and A

 


Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an "F" in sex. Q: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? A: She sticks it in the microwave! Q: Why did God give blondes 2 more brain cells than horses? A: So they don't shit in the parade. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm sooooo drunk!" Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: Why are blondes bad at Hide and Seek? A: Because they can never find the sausage. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees? A: Cum. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? A: Air Pockets Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue. Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails? A: To hide the valve stem! Q: What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A: A blonde at a flashing red light Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken. Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? A: There is white out on the screen. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" Q: How do you kill a Blonde? A: Put a Scratch 'n Sniff at the bottom of a pool. Q: Why did the blonde have square tits? A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? A: It finally dawned on her! Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. A: So they have somewhere to put their feet when having sex. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't come home with you? A: "Have another beer." Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant? A: She blew them both Q: Why did God invent orgasms? A: So blondes know when to stop screwing. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks. Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? A: They drowned in Spring Training Q: Why were there 6 bullet holes in the blondes mirror? A: She tried to kill her self Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B.L.O.N.D.E. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A: Their Mommies told them never to speak to strangers. Q: whats the differance between a blonde and a mosquito? A: When you slap the blonde she keeps on sucking. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. Q. Why are only 2% of blondes touch typists? A. The other 98% are huntin' peckers Q: How do you know if a Blonde has been using your computer? A: The joystick is still wet. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A: They can't remember the number. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh? A: She wanted a lot of male in her box. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.

camel

   


This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: "What in God's name do you use that for?", he asks. The corporal replies "Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and then, they become, shall we say, horny...." "Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on" About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he'd get up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal. "Bring me to the camel" says he. The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool, takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal. "Well", he says, "is that the way you men do it around here?" "Er...no, sir", replies the corporal, "We normally just use the camel to ride to the nearest brothel."

Alligator

   


At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off. "Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

NUN

   


Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"  

Damn dot

   


What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a damn period.  

Good Fishing

 


Did you hear the one about the good-looking teenage girl who went on a fishing trip with six old men?
She came home with a red snapper.  

Good Brakes

 


A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."  

Nuts

 


There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."  

Blonde

 


A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"  

too gay

   


A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yeah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"  

Ashes

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Aliens

   


Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."